Not to draw undue attention to my friend, who recently wrote a blog about dating, but she draws attention to herself all the time anyway, so I don't feel bad about it. :)
Now, this girl made a bet with her mom that she could date 100 different boys before she got married (date in the loosest sense of the word - she had to go out with 100 guys - so at least 100 first dates). Something like a real-life 50 First Dates (I haven't seen that movie, and I don't think I'm drawing a correct parallel, but it sounded good in my head).
Anyway, so when she made this bet, her mom must have been over the moon with happiness, because she knew her daughter was not going to get married her freshman year (did any of you even KNOW 100 different people your freshman year?). Now, 100 first dates, 41 (at least) second dates, and 10 "relationships" (as per her stats in her blog entry) later, she's graduated from BYU. Not married, not engaged, but now she has all these character traits in her head that she likes, each from a different one of the 100. Unfortunately, not one of them happens to have it all.
Her words: "...there does come a point when you have to realize that no one is perfect!!! Including me!!! So why am I still holding out, expecting to find it? Why do I keep walking away from incredible guys again and again?"
Now comes my opinion. I don't think it's her mother's bet that's the problem (entirely). I do think it plays a role. But there seems to be a general consensus among young, single, LDS adults - particularly BYU students - that we need perfection in a spouse.
Now, I'll tell you why I think this problem is exacerbated at BYU in particular. The reason is the dating culture. You probably think I mean the dating vs. hanging out bit, that Elder Oaks spoke of, but that's not what I mean. Sure, that's a problem, and will always be an issue. But the problem I see at BYU is that everyone is too good. Now I don't mean their morals are too good - you should always be true to your personal values and beliefs.
Allow me to illustrate.
Remember home? That place where you were the only Eagle Scout in your high school? The place where you were always asked to play the piano at ward functions? You were valedictorian and captain of the cheerleading squad. You were popular, you were friends with everyone, you were amazing! But here at BYU, you can barely maintain a C+ average, you have no time for extracurricular activities, hardly anyone knows you, and to top it all off, you realized that absolutely EVERYONE here plays the piano...better than you.
So you try hard to be even better than your best...because your best isn't good enough anymore. And you begin to expect more from people - particularly the people you date. But not more in the good sense of the word - you've always expected your future spouse would be strong in the gospel, would be a good mother or father, faithful to you, true to his/her convictions. But now you expect him to play the guitar and write you songs. You expect her to wear trendy, cute clothes, sing, and go snowboarding with you. In other words, you begin to expect all kinds of things that you didn't expect before.
Now, new expectations alone aren't bad. The problem arises when your list gets so incredibly long that you become inflexible, and every item on the list becomes an essential. You have to remember that no one will have all the qualities and traits you want. The difficulty is selecting the few, most important ones you can't live without. This may sound like common sense to many of you out there, but trust me - in Provo, it's not.
BYU has conditioned us to think that there will be someone a little better just around the bend. Someone with more of the qualities you want. But here is my unsolicited advice - you need to get over it and realize that person does not exist. Instead, find someone who fits you, someone you can talk to, someone you enjoy being with, someone with personal potential (because you marry who they can become), someone you can love. And don't dismiss them right away because you think they're not a perfect fit. First impressions are not always right. And if you're not careful, remember that you might just look around the next bend and find there isn't ANYone there.
6 comments:
PS--I really liked your comments :) Thanks for giving me a ton to think about!
I would like to add a very loud AMEN to your statements. I think one of the biggest problems is that people are looking for perfection, when they themselves are not perfect. If this perfect person did exist, they wouldn't give a second hoot to anyone less than perfect themselves, thus you have to become Ms. Perfect before you can look for Mr. Perfect. As long as you are consistently trying your best, day after day, you will catch the eye of someone worth catching.
well, I found perfection...and yes, I looked under every rock and then some. It was worth it.
Sarah - you are just always trying to contradict me, aren't you? :) Well, I don't mean to say anything negative, but you didn't find perfection - you won't in this life, silly. You know that. :D
hahaha, Brett says that I just LOVE to always play the devils advocate and contradict every thing he says. I find it hard not to do the same with you ;) I DO understand what your saying, and yes, I DO agree. I do think Brett is perfect for ME though. I honestly don't think I could find someone I would rather be with... I have met people that have that endless list and they will never meet someone like that, and I feel sorry for them. You are right... I never had a real 'list' and if I did, Brett probably wouldn't be everything I would have written. I think it's better just to enjoy the funness of dating and when you find love- I think you know it, and then you get married...The End.
I once heard someone talking about this subject. He was asked if his wife was the only one for him. He said before they were married, she probably wasn't. There was any number of girls he could have been happy with. But as they've grown older, together, every day she becomes more and more the only one for him (or, more perfect for him). I like that idea.
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