Rediscovery

I’ve debated writing this and putting it out there for anyone and everyone to read. Close readers of my blog know my feelings about all that kind of stuff, but I’ve been attempting to be more open. I think it can help me, even if there are some negative consequences…like sympathy. :)

With that said, I’ve been making new friends lately…and re-discovering old ones (mostly of the female gender). I think I’ve been a pretty poor friend in the past. Someone once helped me realize that when you have someone you love and who is very special to you, it’s not very appropriate to flirt and be alone with members of the opposite sex. And although I agree, and while most people would say I was justified in the way I’ve handled my situation, I wish I wouldn’t have let so many friendships fall apart / disappear over the last year.

What I’ve found, though, is that your real friends tend to be very forgiving about things like that. For which I’m grateful. And help can come from people and places that you never expected. Like when you go out to ice cream with the girl you dated briefly last year, and you’re both content being good friends this time around. Or when a teenager you hardly ever talked to two years ago suddenly becomes the person you confide in more than any other. When you find solace in writing a short story because a friend encouraged you to. Or when you feel you finally really connect with your boss and coworkers.

So I’m grateful I have good friends to soften the blow. But I like to think that I'm tough enough to take a pretty good hit. I think I can get over it – I’ll be able to move on with my life and be happy. But I think the hardest thing to get over is suddenly being just another person. To not be different from anyone else – not to be special. And it’s hard to know that she doesn’t care anymore. That the last phone call was just a courtesy. It was for me, not her – something she would have done for anyone. That my words and tears didn’t mean anything – that they didn’t touch anything inside her.

Bet you didn’t tell him
About those weekends at the coast
Or how we used to argue
About who loved who the most
Well I guess I won that one, cuz I still need you so
But to you I’m just someone you used to know

Like a friend, like a fool
Like some guy you knew in school
Didn’t we love, didn’t we share
Or don’t you even care?
I know we said we were through
But I never knew how quickly I would go
From someone you loved
To someone you used to know

It seemed like I was a fairy tale sometimes. I used to love randomly taking her in my arms in the kitchen and dancing with her, while I sang softly in her ear. Or when she’d lay her head on my lap so I’d stroke her hair while we watched TV… and then how she’d fall asleep like that, while I watched her instead of the TV. :) How she could practically read my mind, and how I felt like the luckiest guy in the world when she would cuddle up to me and move my arm so it was wrapped around her. How whenever I had exciting news, I wanted to tell her first. How she would kiss me with her eyes closed so tight. How on one day off, we planned to do something fun and outdoorsy, but I got sick, so she stayed inside and took care of me, even letting me fall asleep for a while with my head on her lap.

When Cinderella found the writer had appended
What did she do when the fairy tale had ended?
And the rain falls down, and I’m standing here with no umbrella again.

So what happened to my happy ending? Where’s my happily ever after?
Like I said, I'm sure I’ll be okay… I just don’t believe in fairy tales anymore.