Death to the Malt Shoppe

Now, some of you may disagree with the title of my entry. But let me tell you, I'm quite ticked off at the Malt Shoppe. Let me start off with the little reasons.

Their food isn't that great, and their burgers are too small.

Their cheese fries don't have enough cheese, and they are often overdone.

Their service SUCKS, and it takes absolutely forever to get any food.

Their restaurant just feels filthy inside.

But all of that isn't that bad. It's a greasy spoon, 50s-esque diner (albeit not a very good one). I mean, I ate there just the other night. Their being a lousy restaurant isn't enough for me to want to destroy them. So--what is, you ask?

Their parking situation. Did any of you notice the new signs up there, saying you can park in the parking lot if you're going to the Malt Shoppe or Panda Express, but not if you're going to Pita Pit? Yeah - me neither. So we got towed today. Parked there for about 20 minutes, ate food, came out and the car was gone. What the HELL is with that?

So what to do? You walk 10 blocks to where they parked your stolen car and pay $135 to the vultures to get it back, getting back to work late, having to stay an extra hour to make up for lost time. Ridiculous? Yes.

Why do they like screwing people over? Was the Malt Shoppe just jealous, because they didn't have any customers, so they decided to tow someone else's? Besides, how do they even know who to tow? Is business so slow that they can follow people around to the other restaurants to see where they go? Did they not realize that unless you're in downtown Manhattan, that's a bad business practice? Cuz I sure as hell am NEVER eating at the Malt Shoppe again. And I'm planning on badmouthing them to absolutely any and everyone who ever cares to listen to me about it. Not only that - I very well may write a few letters to the editors of local papers. And I write well - I'll probably be published. This crappy establishment just lost a lot more business than they bargained for.

But where do we go for good, greasy burgers now, Adam? Leatherby's closed down! Well, let me tell you. Stan's. That's right - Stan's, over across from Gold's Gym in Provo. It's cleaner, cheaper, better priced, and their service is better. Oh, did I mention that Stan's Drive-In does NOT have any complaints to the better business bureau about advertising claims or practices that misrepresent their service or product offer? Nope - they don't. But guess who does? The Malt Shoppe. Surprise.

Moral of the story? Eat at Stan's! It's better, and they don't try to screw people over! Located at 525 N. 900 E.

I also welcome your comments about getting screwed over by immoral business practices.

--
Malt Shoppe delendo est

I'll Just Make This Easy For You

Whenever I hear those words at work, I cringe. Because I know exactly what that means. For those of you who have never been to my restaurant at lunchtime, allow me to translate.

"I'll just make this easy for you" equals, "I'll just have a water, with the soup, salad and breadsticks."

Now, maybe for some of you that sounds easy. Not for me. Let me explain. Soup, salad and breadsticks is not done by anyone in the kitchen. It's done by me - the server. I make your salad. I get your breadsticks. I pour your soup. I get your drinks. And then I run back and forth, bringing out 50 more bowls of soup, 25 more salads, and 18 more baskets of breadsticks for you, only to have you show me your gratitude with a $0.62 tip.

So please, don't make things "easy" on me. Make it difficult - please. I would love to have to work incredibly hard to get you your one entree and one or maybe two bowls of soup or salad that you'll eat along with it. Please - make me earn that 5% tip.

Look alike

On occasion, I've had people tell me I look like some famous person. There are a couple that I get consistently. The first was Pippin (Billy Boyd) off the Lord of the Rings movies. I think a big part of that was that my hair used to be long, although I've still gotten it since cutting my hair short.




Number two was the guy from the movie The Invisible (Justin Chatwin). I had a lot of people tell me I looked like that guy, although I also think it had something to do with the hair.




And then there's one more. This is the one I get most consistently. Last week at work, even, I had three different guests tell me that I looked like this guy: Edward Norton (The Italian Job, The Illusionist).


Now, I don't know if these actors and I share a common likeness or not. I mean, the myheritage.com thing told me I look like Mark Ruffalo, Matthew Perry, Bob Saget and Haley Joel Osment. But heck - I dunno. Let's hear your opinions.

Tipping (and not of cows)

Before becoming a server, I wasn't the best tipper in the world. In fact, my girlfriend told me a story yesterday about one time when we went to dinner and the guy who served us knew her. After we left, he essentially told her how I was a lousy tipper and that she shouldn't have anything to do with me as a result. In all honesty, I don't know what I left him, but I can proudly state that I have since become a better tipper.

Now, I'm not going to judge those people who don't tip well. They likely don't know, as I didn't. That nice couple with a baby the other night who left me NO tip, or those girls at lunch who order never-ending soup, salad and breadsticks, making me run around constantly and who consistently leave me $1.00 tips, or even the girl yesterday who left me $0.61. I think a lot of people just don't understand that one of the rules of dining out at a real restaurant (aka not McDonald's) is that you are supposed to tip your server.

Many people (even my dad until I told him recently) don't know how much servers make. Take a wild guess. Most people say "minimum wage." Wrong. Want to know what I make an hour? $2.16.

That's right - I only make two bucks an hour, and the rest of my salary is made up from tips. Ever wonder why there's a gratuity added on to parties of eight or more? Because sometimes people won't tip unless it's added into the bill. People keep asking the waiter for more stuff, making them run back into the kitchen time and time again, and then leave their thanks in the form of sixty-one cents tacked onto the bill.

And at Olive Garden, it's even worse. In order to guarantee people receive good service, as per company policy, servers are only allowed to serve three tables at a time (at many restaurants, servers often have 5 or 6 or even more tables). That makes sense at the OG. At other restaurants, you only take their order and bring out their drinks and (maybe) their meal - often someone else even does that for them. Those restaurants don't have the revolving salad and breadsticks that the OG has, which requires more running back to the kitchen. Now, this higher level of service (the server will even always try to be the one who brings out your food, unlike other restaurants) should translate into higher tips...but it doesn't. Especially in Provo.

The common law of tipping is 15%. Not 10%. Not $5 regardless of the size of the check (my friend got a $5 tip on a $100 bill yesterday). Tip generously - especially if you received great service. In Provo, remember that the people serving you are often poor college students, just like you. If you can't afford to leave a generous tip (at least 15%), don't go out to eat. Go to McDonald's. And definitely do not insult the server by telling them their service was only worth about sixty-two cents. They're working hard to ensure you enjoy your dining experience.

Ramblings - Only Read if You Really Want

Welp, I have a job. Like, a big person job. Like, salaried and everything. Crazy, huh? I was just hired and I start March 11. I'm really excited and happy about it. And...it was my half-birthday yesterday. How come we don't really celebrate those? I'm 25.5 years old. I think that's at least worth a cake or something.

Priestly World Cup

Apparently, the Vatican decided its priests need a little bit of recreation.

I was driving and listening the the BBC world report, when along came a little story about Catholic priests playing football (soccer to you Americans) in an organized Catholic league. I found a much abbreviated story on the BBC web site here. But it was a good story. What I found most interesting about it was that the clergy are somewhat surprised at the presence, even among priests, of - shall we say - unsportsmanlike conduct on the football pitch. I guess they assumed priests should be immune from the anger that can often follow organized, competitive sports.

This should be no surprise to anyone who has ever experienced LDS "church basketball," where somehow, the spirit of competition and the spirit of contention are often intertwined.

Good luck, Catholic church, as you strive for good sportsmanship and unity among your priests - even if it is in a sport as notorious for bad behavior as football.

Utah Drivers - justified?

I am firmly of the mindset that Utah drivers are among the worst in the world. Many Utah drivers would say it's not really Utahns making the roads scary - it's all the out-of-state drivers who are living in the area. I do admit, the idiotic girl doing her makeup in the left lane the other day was from out of state, but I still don't buy it.

I drove in London, England, for 7 months. Opposite sides of the road, tiny cars and tiny roads, high speeds, roundabouts, etc. But never was I frightened for my life until I visited Utah after my mission and drove the freeway from Salt Lake to Provo. People whizzing by on the right - I felt like I was back in England. I was even talking to one friend from Utah and mentioned the fact that it's actually illegal to pass on the right. She was genuinely surprised!

But despite all that, let me make a fantastic statement - it's not the crazy Utah drivers that people always complain about who are the most dangerous ones on the road. Who is it? The slow Utah drivers who are in the left lane.

Why, you ask? Because they're the reason Utahns have adapted to the way they drive. For some reason, old people, people on cell phones, people using the rear view mirror to do their makeup while driving - they all think the left lane is for traveling. It's NOT! It is for PASSING! Everyone in every other state in the union knows that! (I think New Yorkers know it too, but they choose to ignore it...and most every other traffic law anyway. I could write another blog just on my cab ride from JFK airport to Manhattan.)

But these Utah drivers have got it in their head that they can travel in any lane they want, regardless of their speed. This is simply not true. If you're not the fastest car on the road, you do not get in the left lane unless you're faster than another car in your lane - it's that simple. You use the left lane to PASS. That's why it's called the PASSING LANE.

So why do Utahns drive as they do, passing on the right at high speeds? Plain truth of the matter is, they have to if they want to get past Grandma in the left lane who's talking on her cell phone and going 60 in a 65. Cuz Grandma sure isn't paying any attention to anyone behind or beside her, and isn't going to budge til she's 200 feet from her exit, when she might look to the right and might signal before crossing 4 lanes of traffic to make her offramp. I once followed someone at very close proximity, going 55-57 mph (in a 65), hoping he would move over so I wouldn't have to break the law and pass on the right like everyone behind me was doing. Nope - after about 10 minutes of this, I gave in and did it.

Moral of the story - passing on the right is illegal, but until we can educate Utahns on proper driving rules, sometimes it's a necessary illegality here in Utah.