Marriage and Optimism

Seeing as how I recently had my third wedding anniversary, I thought I'd say a few words on marriage (you know, being an expert and all with my many years of experience). I recently watched a TED talk about the optimism bias. We tend to overestimate the good things in our future, and downplay the bad (even confronted with the statistics). Although everyone knows that about 40% of marriages end in divorce, ask any newlyweds how they feel about their marriage going the distance. Virtually all new couples will tell you they think they will be in it for the long haul.

I think that's a great thing. Because how miserable would it be if you went into marriage thinking it would fail? If we are too cautious and too realistic about the future, we may be doomed to have a negative one. But the interesting thing about the optimism bias is that it's often a self-fulfilling prophecy. If we believe that good things are in store for us and act as if they are, they often come to fruition. And those who are optimistic about life (rather than realistic) are happier than those who aren't, even when faced with adversity.

Think about it this way. The optimistic person goes into a test thinking, "I'm a genius!" If they ace the test, they think, "I knew it. I'm going to get straight A's." If they do poorly, it was just bad luck that time, or they weren't quite as prepared as they should have been. But they'll do better next time, and they're still happy. The person who is not optimistic goes into the test thinking, "I probably won't do well." When they don't do well, they think, "I knew it." If they do perform well, they think it was just a fluke, and are still depressed.

Marriage is hard. I've said that before, but it really is the hardest thing I've ever done. I just counted in my head, and I can name a dozen friends my age who have been married and divorced. It seems like I keep hearing about friends who are getting divorced, and my heart goes out to them. I would never judge them for their decisions to divorce, because I don't know the situation. I know that marriage is harder than I ever would have imagined going into it, and I'll bet most married couples would agree. Nothing can prepare you for sharing your life and everything about yourself with another person. From weird quirks, to giving up some of your freedom, conferring with someone else before making purchases (or any big decisions), and just being a responsible adult. It's hard.

But it's worth it. Oh is it worth it. To me, marriage means never having to say good night at the door. It means not having to search for a date to the party. It's a hand to hold at the theater, someone to sit by at church, someone to cuddle with on the couch while reading a book or watching TV, someone to make dinner for (or who will make dinner for you). Marriage is the reason to come home from work at the end of the day, the reason to buckle up and drive safely, the reason to keep improving yourself (it's my motivation to exercise). Marriage means never needing to be alone. Above all, marriage means unconditional love and service.

Don't be fooled - marriage is something that you have to work at. You don't "fall into" love, and you don't "fall out of" love. You choose to be in love. You choose to actively love each other. You choose to accept quirks and be a responsible adult. You choose to share your life, and you choose to forgive.

      Have you ever wished for an endless night?
      Lassoed the moon and the stars and pulled that rope tight?
      Have you ever held your breath and asked yourself will it ever get better than tonight?

Yes, it gets even better. But only if we both choose to make it so.

Mothers

I turn 30 this year. It's quite a sobering thought - it really makes you think about your mortality. My body doesn't work as well as it used to. It's harder to lose weight / stay in shape. I have less patience for young people.

But getting older has another side effect - most of my friends and people I know are married and having children (if they don't already have a bunch). At work, conversations often include mentions of how many ounces of formula our kids are consuming or what percentile so-and-so was for head size at his/her last appointment. Or we talk about what movies we haven't seen lately.

When we become parents, things change dramatically. Our priorities shift. Our social life drops dramatically. We're always tired, and don't understand how people manage to stay up past midnight (and can't remember the last time we did it ourselves). Last night we went to see The Hunger Games at a midnight showing. After that, Kristen said, "Never again." And as I mentioned, our topics of conversation change. We become very different people.

But though I and my guy friends have changed, nowhere is the change more apparent than with new mothers. I look at my wife, and she is completely different than she was six months ago. She is kinder, more gentle, more patient, selfless... She is completely devoted to raising our little Scarlett.

I see the same change with other new mothers. It's most apparent with people I knew when they were single: my sister, my friends Janae, Nancy, LaChelle...the list could go on. These were all wonderful people to begin with, but it's amazing to see the difference becoming a mother has made.

Thank our Heavenly Father for good mothers. And fathers? Try to be as good as they are.

Dancing

Raising a kid is hard work. More for Kristen than for me. Scarlett is very demanding, and doesn't take very good naps. As a result, Kristen doesn't usually get to shower in the morning (I try to come home from work for lunch, and give her the chance), let alone really get ready for the day, poor dear.

Tonight, while we were making dinner, she left to feed Scarlett. When she came back to the kitchen and put Scarlett in her swing, she just seemed very tired. We had Spotify playing some Brad Paisley, and the song "New Favorite Memory" came on.

I walked up behind her and wrapped my arms around her. She started swaying back and forth a little bit, and I turned her around and kissed her, then pulled her close and we danced. I was suddenly overcome with gratitude that I am married to this beautiful woman who gives of herself and her time so selflessly to take care of our tiny little girl, and I offered a prayer to Heavenly Father, that He would always help me remember what's most important, and how blessed I am.

Day Zero 101

A few years ago, I started an experiment called Day Zero: 101 in 1001. The idea was to come up with 101 goals I wanted to accomplish, and to do them in 1001 days (roughly 2.75 years). I didn't quite accomplish all I'd set out to do, so I've decided to make another go of it. If you'd like to track my progress (and give me encouraging words of advice as I go), feel free to check it out here.

2011 Letter

Merry belated Christmas and Happy belated New Year! Here is a link to our 2011 Christmas letter. Enjoy!

Stuffed Mushrooms, a la Adam

So New Year's Eve, I tried out making my own stuffed mushrooms. We love stuffed mushrooms, and get them all the time at restaurants. Funny enough, I think my favorite are actually Olive Garden's.

I based my recipe off of a couple of other recipes I found, but added my own twists. Kristen's words after eating these were: "Home run babe. Home run." Most stuffed mushrooms have some kind of seafood in them (crab, clams, etc.), but these use the much more accessible bacon, and are super easy to make. I hope you enjoy them!

Ingredients
About 1/2 lb. (20-30) whole mushrooms
1 package cream cheese, softened
1/4 C. grated parmesan cheese
Dash of cayenne pepper (about 1/4 t.)
Dash of onion powder (about 1/4 t.)
6 slices bacon
1 medium clove garlic, minced fine
Italian bread crumbs (I use Progresso - only about $1-2 at the grocery store)

Cook the bacon slices in a pan until crispy. Wipe out the pan with paper towels, retaining a little of the bacon fat in the pan. Chop (or crumble) the bacon very fine.

Remove the stems from mushroom caps, and rinse both stems and caps well, then dry with a paper towel. Chop up the stems fine, then fry them with the garlic in the retained bacon fat. Once any moisture has evaporated (about 5 minutes - careful not to burn the garlic), mix them with the cream cheese, parmesan cheese, bacon, and spices.

Fill the mushroom caps with the cheese/bacon mixture (you can fill beyond the top - just don't add too much, or they will bubble over). Then dip the cheese-filled end in bread crumbs. This will help keep the filling from bubbling out of the mushroom.

Place the filled mushrooms (not touching) filling side up on a foil-lined baking sheet. Bake at 350 about 15-20 minutes, until the mushrooms are piping hot (the liquid from the mushrooms will start to pool under them). Enjoy!

Privacy

I haven't written much this last year. Sure, I've been busy - a pregnant wife, a few plays, work, getting ready to apply to grad school - but it also has to do with the issue of privacy. I'm not a super-private person, as any regular reader of this blog knows. I've shared a lot of my personal thoughts and feelings with the world over the years, though this blog.

But I've been debating how much I should share. In our modern world, you can use the internet to find just about anything, or anyone. Just think about how many times you've Facebook or blog-stalked someone:

I have a child now - I want to do everything I can to protect her. Not to be overly paranoid, but there are bad people out there. So I'm trying to come to some kind of a balance with still wanting to share, but trying to keep private things private. I don't want to take my blog "private" - I like being able to view peoples' blogs in Google Reader - there are about four private blogs I follow, and I have to have separate links for them. For an organized person like me, that's kind of annoying. I only put up with it if I really like you. :) So the idea is to strike a balance with not sharing too much personal information, but sharing just enough. If I know you, and you want more information, feel free to email me and ask. I know people always say that, and no one ever emails - but seriously, email me and ask.

As I said, our baby girl was born recently. Her name is Scarlett Marie, and she is adorable. We love everything about her - even when she's driving us crazy. We're getting the hang of being parents, slowly but surely - she is the best part of our lives.

I've been a journal keeper for a long time, until the last couple years (since I've been married, essentially). I feel bad I haven't written about my life, thoughts, feelings, etc., especially now that I have a kid, but maybe I just need a fresh start. I can take blog postings, Christmas letters, Facebook statuses (stati?), and use them to fill in the gaps for the last little while. And then I want to do something like this:

I know this was made as an ad for Google Chrome, but I love it.