Infomercials

Although an avid blog reader, I realize I haven't been the best at writing my own posts in a while. I figure now is as good a time as any to redeem myself. So here goes...

Who else loves those little wonders we call infomercials? Cuz I sure do. In fact, I'm a sucker for the section in Bed Bath & Beyond that is devoted to "As Seen on TV" items. Even though all of the tricks they use on these "paid advertising" spots are fairly obvious, I think I'm still very susceptible to their ploys.

Let's see if we can't break down how they make these snippets of television gold. First of all, you always have a host, who is very smiley, well-dressed, and attractive, who introduces the "expert" on the product (either the spokesperson or the actual creator of the product). The host is almost always a woman for some reason.

Next, a problem is presented by the expert. I will illustrate with examples from the most recent infomercial I watched: the new, improved G2 Swivel Sweeper Vac (10 million of the original have already been sold - get yours now!). In this case, the problem is that

traditional vacuum cleaners are just too difficult to deal with: they're too big, too heavy, can only go backwards and forwards (because they're limited by wheels), have long, unruly cords, etc., etc.

Then the new product is introduced. For our example, the new G2 Swivel Sweeper has its new "patented quad brush technology." It can pick up what your vacuum can't, it can get into spaces where other vacuums can't, can swivel 360 degrees, it only weighs 2 pounds, it has no cords, etc., etc.

Next we cut to a montage of the product doing its thing with an incredibly perky person explaining how amazing it is, as well as showing us how to buy it. Then we cut back to the host and spokesperson, who also demonstrate the product, showing how simple and easy it is to use (and yes, they often use both "simple" and "easy" in one sentence). More montages, more demonstrations, more montages, more demonstrations, til the half-hour commercial is over.

And there are almost always some built-in phrases, like "But wait, that's not all..." or "Are you tired of..." or "If you call in the next 10 minutes, we'll throw in..." I know they're so predictable, but I love them! I love learning about these new and exciting products. Personally, I want to invent the next Snuggie and make a million dollars.

Mitch Hedburg said that they always sell these products for four easy payments of $19.99. "I would like to have a product that was available for three easy payments, and one complicated payment! We ain't gonna tell you which payment it is, but one of these payments is gonna be hard!"

But here is a list of our (Kristen and my) favorite infomercials/products. We actually own some of them:

Magic Bullet (my favorite infomercial of all time - and I love our Magic Bullet)

Mighty Mend-it - doesn't work as good as it says it does, but it's not bad

Iron Gym (pull-up bar) - I used this almost every day when I was doing P90X

Windshield Wonder - This works great on our car windshield

Shark Steam Mop - I want this

ShamWow! - whether it works or not, that infomercial is sure entertaining

Ahh Bra - Kristen's new favorite to watch

Snuggie - when these first came out, the best part was the kids at the sports game trying to hi-five, and their blankets got in the way

Swivel Sweeper (vac) - it's awesome in the dramatizations where they keep running the vacuum into the table because it can't get under as well as the Swivel Sweeper

What are YOUR favorite infomercials/products?

UPDATE - Hole in the Wall

Who puts a pipe behind a living room wall?

When we moved to our little apartment in Orem in November, we started trying to make the place into a home. That meant arranging all of our furniture, putting up photos and paintings, and of course, setting up the surround sound. Little did I realize that when I drilled into the wall to put in an anchor for the speaker, I would drill into a pipe!

But this wasn't a regular pipe, so it didn't burst and start spraying water everywhere. No, this was a drainage pipe for the upstairs neighbor's kitchen sink. So it...um, trickled. We put up the speakers in November. Around May, we started noticing that the carpet in the corner of the house was wet. We called our landlady about it, but it took her a couple weeks before she came over and looked at it. Then she called in a handyman, who also took a week or two to get over here. Today he cracked open the wall to reveal, duh duh duh! A pipe with a hole in it. Fantastic.

Now our landlady will probably want to get us to pay for the damage and repairs. I sure hope not, though, because, honestly, who puts a pipe behind a living room wall?

**UPDATE**

Our landlady is making us take care of (and pay for) the repairs. Luckily, my good friend Gavin is helping us with it. Hallelujah! The most ridiculous thing, after living in this house, was what she asked me when I said I had someone coming to do the repairs: "Is he a professional?" He is, but I should have said, "Why? Almost nothing else in this apartment was done by a professional."

The heat for the apartment is provided by a gas fireplace that was added after the fact. They didn't even cut out the carpet - just put it on top (oh, and there are two ugly holes on either side of it that don't belong). The wire for the control is just dangling along the wall, and all along the edge of the carpet. There is a hole cut in the master bedroom wall with a fan set in place, and a cord hanging down to plug into the outlet below, because the heat from the fireplace won't go throughout the house without it, or something like that.

Every patch job that has been done in this place (aside from the one Gavin is doing) is clearly visible, and was done very poorly. The grout lines in the bathtub seems to have been painted, or something, and I think there was mold at some point, but they painted over it / caulked over it, so there were black spots coming through. I scraped out the old caulk and redid it myself, and did the best I could with the rest of the grout - it really needs to be completely redone. There is also a hole in the kitchen ceiling where the upstairs neighbors' washer leaked and came through. They have a piece of plywood over it, with a 2x4 holding that up. Is the guy I have coming to help a professional? Yeah - he's better than anyone else you've ever hired.

Anyway, here's a picture of where we are right now:

Ah, United

I come to you today from Gate 7 in the Sioux Falls, South Dakota airport. With a population of 150,000 people (for comparison, Provo/Orem has about 200,000 residents), Sioux Falls is not a huge city. The airport is likewise of diminutive stature. Knowing this, this morning I woke up at 5:45 a.m., showered, grabbed my things, and headed to the airport for my 6:57 a.m. flight. I was a little concerned about cutting it close, but I had no checked bags, so I wasn't worried.

When I got up to the ticket counter, the ticket agents asked if I was flying to Denver. I said yes (as I tried to use the self-service check-in machine). They then informed me that I couldn't check in, because I didn't do it at least 30 minutes before the flight. I got there at 6:30 a.m. I said, are you serious? I can make it to the gate. They said the reason for this is that at 30 minutes before the flight, the gate agent can give away your seat to standby ticket holders. Okay, but then she informs me that this WASN'T THE CASE THIS TIME! And then says I STILL COULDN'T CHECK IN FOR THE FLIGHT!!!

She then made me pay a $75 fee to change my flight to 1:30 p.m. So now, instead of arriving in Salt Lake City at 10 a.m., I will get home at 6 p.m. I walked (slowly) through security (I was the only one there), then to gate 7 (they only have eight gates), and then watched as my plane (that I wasn't on) sat at the gate for a good 25 minutes (it was late leaving).

Thanks United for being so courteous to your customers. Normally I would say the moral of this story is to leave a little earlier for your flight (which is still true). But in this situation, I'd say the moral of the story is NEVER FLY UNITED.

Do you find it hard to do your duty?

It's been a rough couple of weeks. Several people from work have been out of the office, leaving the rest of us to take care of their work. I also have a new client who is a bit more demanding than...well, any other client I've ever had (especially for the amount of revenue they bring in).

But basically, I've been exhausted for the last two weeks. I haven't gotten a lot of sleep, I haven't exercised at all, I sometimes don't have time to eat lunch - it's just been rough. Even at home, I constantly check my phone for any emergencies that could have cropped up in the last fifteen minutes. That makes me feel bad for my wife, whose husband seems to always be on call.

So, after feeling frustrated and overwhelmed, I spoke with my dad on the phone the other day for a while. He helped me to see things that I hadn't seen before, and helped me feel a lot better. One of the things he told me was a quote from Gladiator.

Maximus: "Cicero."

Cicero: "Sir?"

Maximus: "Do you find it hard to do your duty?"

Cicero: "Sometimes I do what I want to do. The rest of the time, I do what I have to do."

Those are my feelings on the current situation. I can't control how someone treats me - I can only control my reaction. Sometimes I will get to do what I want to do, but I have a family to provide for, so for the most part, I will do my duty. I will do what I have to do to provide support for me and my family. I will persevere.

Elder Zach

I'm very proud of my "little" brother. Right now he is serving as a missionary for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints in Charlotte, North Carolina. I call him my "little" brother because he's actually bigger than me. I remember the days when I was the tallest member of my family. Those were good times. All two of them. I've gotten used to the fact that the only sibling I'll be taller than is my sister, but I remember when Zachary passed me up. It was a little disheartening. Then Jacob passed me too. It's only a matter of time before Lucas shoots past all of us. Oh well - that's life.

It's so funny to see the physical differences of Zach then and Zach now. We dubbed him "Stick Boy" when he was younger, because of how skinny he was. Now he could take any of us in a fight (except me, because I have the older brother psychological advantage...and because I've been working out).

Zach is a about seven years younger than me, so when he was younger, he was the pesky little brother. You know, the one who followed you around, wanted to be just like you, got into your toys, etc. The one who, although you didn't know it at the time, could be your best friend if you'd let him. I still have regrets for not being as kind to him as I wish I was, because I love him so much. As I've gotten older, I've realized how similar our personalities and senses of humor are. I think in all my family, aside from my Dad, he and I are the most alike.

When he was at BYU for his freshman year, we would hang out just about every week. We would usually do some kind of activity (movies or racquetball), then go get dinner. I let him pay once, cuz he wanted to. :) Towards the end of the school year, we didn't do it every week, because of all the wedding plans and whatnot, so I'm excited for him to be back, so we can resume the fun times.

I'm not the best letter writer. For the first few weeks I wrote every week, but I've slacked off a bit. I hope he knows that doesn't mean I've forgotten about him, or that I don't miss him. Because I think about him a lot and miss him a ton. Come home soon Elder!

Living With Women...

After nearly a year of wedded bliss, I think I know a thing or two about living with a woman. :) It's a lot different than living with guys, that's for sure. For one, it's more crowded. I don't think it's just my wife - I think all women just have a ton of stuff. I don't know where they get it, or why they keep so much of it around, but they do. Especially clothes. Girls tend to still have clothes they wore in middle school and they usually still wear them now. There's no way I could fit into anything from middle school. I was 4'9" and probably weighed about 85 pounds.

On occasion while my wife is getting ready in the bathroom, I'll wander into the bedroom and see about 50 outfits on the bed, or in a pile on the floor (50 may be a slight exaggeration). This was strange and confusing to me, until my wife explained it (then it was just strange). Apparently, even though they own the clothes and have worn them dozens of times before, they can't decide what to wear just by looking at the clothes hanging up in the closet. They have to take them out and see how they look with other clothing combinations. Then, after she decides it looks good and gets dressed, she could change her mind while getting ready looking in the mirror, and have to start all over again. Hence all the clothes on the bed.

Speaking of getting ready in the bathroom, girls multiply the amount of stuff you have in the bathroom by a factor of about 10 (or so). Luckily (for me), we have a small bathroom that doesn't really have a counter, so she can't leave her blow dryer, hair straightener, hair curler (yes, sometimes she uses both the straightener and curler on the same day), hair spray, spray gel, makeup, etc. on it. But when we did have a counter, she would leave it out (although to be fair, she's pretty good about putting stuff away). Oh yeah, and then there's hair everywhere, and the floor is usually a little sticky from hair spray. Sometimes Kristen jokes that she's going bald with all the hair she seems to lose.

Living with a woman is definitely an adventure, but it's also awesome. There's no cleaning off the toilet seat because someone missed and didn't wipe it off. There are no beard hairs all around the sink (except when I'm the one who doesn't clean up). The house doesn't stink because someone has been playing WoW for 3 days straight without showering, and won't open a window. And then there's the best part of all - she's my wife!

Reflections on Utah

I've lived in Utah more or less since August 2004. I had a couple partial summers away, but that's close to six years, which is really longer than I've lived anywhere else in my life. I miss the beauty of the Pacific Northwest, but Utah is beautiful in its own way too. The mountains are gorgeous (especially in the winter), and I love being able to look out over the valley from our front porch. Last night, Kristen and I went on a walk around our neighborhood, and it truly is beautiful up here.

Utah definitely has its quirks. First of all, there's all the stinkin' Mormons! :) But honestly, it's a different experience to be able to discuss church things at work, with neighbors, landlords, etc. To not be able to go into a restaurant after 8 p.m. on the Saturday evening after General Conference, because there are millions of guys in shirts and ties everywhere.

And the weather is ridiculous. It snowed this week. And yet, yesterday evening it was sunny and warm, and we went for a walk in short sleeves, without jackets. Crazy "spring" weather.

My aunt mentioned in her blog recently that their church was "only 9 miles away." And in Oregon, my parents drive about 15 minutes to get to church. When we moved to Orem, we complained a little that church was "so far away." It's only one mile from our house, but that's far if you consider we walked one and a half minutes to church in Springville (literally right around the corner).

In Utah (or at least in Utah Valley), it's a strange site to see someone smoking in public, or to have someone put alcohol or coffee up on the grocery store conveyor belt behind you. It's just that you don't see those things very often (at least I don't). I've been acclimated so much to the way the majority of people act here, that it can be weird when you see things out of the ordinary.

I'm glad that I still live on a street with a name. Most everywhere, the streets are just numbers (i.e. 600 S. 200 W.), which is great for giving directions. But I've almost always lived somewhere with a street that has a name: Mountain Oaks Dr., Swenson Ave., University Ave., Chenin Blanc Dr., Heartwood Dr., Noble Ct., etc. For me, it makes where you live more like it's home. I don't know why - it's a psychological thing. Ironically, my parents now live on SE 199th Dr.

All in all, Utah's not bad. It's grown on me. :)