Marriage and Optimism

Seeing as how I recently had my third wedding anniversary, I thought I'd say a few words on marriage (you know, being an expert and all with my many years of experience). I recently watched a TED talk about the optimism bias. We tend to overestimate the good things in our future, and downplay the bad (even confronted with the statistics). Although everyone knows that about 40% of marriages end in divorce, ask any newlyweds how they feel about their marriage going the distance. Virtually all new couples will tell you they think they will be in it for the long haul.

I think that's a great thing. Because how miserable would it be if you went into marriage thinking it would fail? If we are too cautious and too realistic about the future, we may be doomed to have a negative one. But the interesting thing about the optimism bias is that it's often a self-fulfilling prophecy. If we believe that good things are in store for us and act as if they are, they often come to fruition. And those who are optimistic about life (rather than realistic) are happier than those who aren't, even when faced with adversity.

Think about it this way. The optimistic person goes into a test thinking, "I'm a genius!" If they ace the test, they think, "I knew it. I'm going to get straight A's." If they do poorly, it was just bad luck that time, or they weren't quite as prepared as they should have been. But they'll do better next time, and they're still happy. The person who is not optimistic goes into the test thinking, "I probably won't do well." When they don't do well, they think, "I knew it." If they do perform well, they think it was just a fluke, and are still depressed.

Marriage is hard. I've said that before, but it really is the hardest thing I've ever done. I just counted in my head, and I can name a dozen friends my age who have been married and divorced. It seems like I keep hearing about friends who are getting divorced, and my heart goes out to them. I would never judge them for their decisions to divorce, because I don't know the situation. I know that marriage is harder than I ever would have imagined going into it, and I'll bet most married couples would agree. Nothing can prepare you for sharing your life and everything about yourself with another person. From weird quirks, to giving up some of your freedom, conferring with someone else before making purchases (or any big decisions), and just being a responsible adult. It's hard.

But it's worth it. Oh is it worth it. To me, marriage means never having to say good night at the door. It means not having to search for a date to the party. It's a hand to hold at the theater, someone to sit by at church, someone to cuddle with on the couch while reading a book or watching TV, someone to make dinner for (or who will make dinner for you). Marriage is the reason to come home from work at the end of the day, the reason to buckle up and drive safely, the reason to keep improving yourself (it's my motivation to exercise). Marriage means never needing to be alone. Above all, marriage means unconditional love and service.

Don't be fooled - marriage is something that you have to work at. You don't "fall into" love, and you don't "fall out of" love. You choose to be in love. You choose to actively love each other. You choose to accept quirks and be a responsible adult. You choose to share your life, and you choose to forgive.

      Have you ever wished for an endless night?
      Lassoed the moon and the stars and pulled that rope tight?
      Have you ever held your breath and asked yourself will it ever get better than tonight?

Yes, it gets even better. But only if we both choose to make it so.