A Different Life

Right now, my wife and are having a Lord of the Rings (extended edition) marathon together. Just the two of us. And it's made me reflect once again that I really did choose the right girl. :) Our personalities are so perfectly matched, it's wonderful. We like a lot of the same things, but have just enough differences to make things interesting. I mean, how many guys can say their wives enjoy having a Lord of the Rings or Star Wars marathon with them? And I doubt there are very many people who have ever seen a wedding cake topper with HomestarRunner and Marzipan on top. Kristen made one for our cake.

But I was looking at some old pictures on Facebook, and wondering what my life would have been like if I'd made different decisions. About three years ago, a lot of new things began happening in my life. The two biggest things I did: I got into acting, and started dating again (after being in a committed relationship for about a year).

In the next two years, I was in 14 different theater shows - I made so many friends and gained so many great experiences. I also started dating a girl, and although we dated off and on for the next two years, my preoccupation with her made it impossible to really want to date anyone else during the "off" times. That's not to say there weren't opportunities. That there weren't other beautiful girls I met in whom I was interested. As I said, I was in many theater productions throughout that time, and drama people are well-known for being big flirts. :) But I just couldn't move on.

During those two years, I also graduated and got a job here in Utah. I now wonder whether if I hadn't still been preoccupied with that same girl, would I have even looked for a job here? After all, I never wanted or planned to remain in Utah after graduation. To be honest, I'd still rather be outside it and living somewhere green.

Anyway, eventually that relationship ended for good, and despite my belief that I'd never love again, I found the girl I never thought existed. The girl who makes me happier than I ever could have known. Guess where she's from: Utah. And how did we meet? Because her best friend/roommate and I were in a play together. :)

So what if I hadn't decided to keep performing (or never even started in the first place)? What if I had decided the on again-off again relationship was a dead-end earlier than I did, and moved out of state? Would I have found my Kristen? I hope so. But luckily, I don't have to find out. She's mine forever.

New Moon

I read the books, it's true. I even enjoyed them. You can even read some of my previous blogs for my feelings on that. However, I thought the first movie was one of the worst films I've ever seen (and I've seen some lame movies). The ONLY reason this movie did well at the box office is because of the Twilight book readers. If this had been a stand-alone movie, it would have tanked.

Now, my major issue with this movie was the casting. First of all, the vampires are supposed to be incredibly attractive to their prey, right? Remember when all the Twilighters freaked out when Robert Pattinson was cast? They didn't think he was attractive enough to be Edward (which is true - and what's with that hair??). But then when the movie came out, they somehow all reversed their positions? And Nikki Clark (Rosalie) is very pretty, but she's supposed to be playing an incredibly beautiful, blonde vampire. She should be the most beautiful person in the film. But she's a brunette, and the blonde hair doesn't work for her. They should have cast someone with an already pale complexion and light-colored hair. And don't get me started on how Jasper always looks like he's constipated. (I did like Alice, Emmett, and Carlisle, though.)

But worse than those casting decisions, let's talk about Edward and Bella. The two main characters - the ones to whom we should feel the closest connection - suck. Pattinson is an okay actor - for example, I'm sure he could find success on the Disney Channel...maybe. But Kristen Stewart? She's quite possibly the worst actress I've ever seen. Seriously. She has no facial expression, she's not interesting to watch, she's not very attractive, and she can't deliver a line. She's just plain obnoxious, and being forced to watch her makes me want to have Laurent or Victoria eat her.

Well, with the next installation of the Twilight series coming out, critics are giving their reviews. A few of my favorites from Rotten Tomatoes (28% so far - I can't say I'm surprised) are below:

"If you fixate on funny things like plot and character -- in movies, anyway -- too bad." -Leslie Gornstein, E! Online

"Extreme moping by hollow actors makes the film feel like it stars robots stuck on their 'Emo' setting." -Matt Pais, Metromix.com

"Never has a man's shirtlessness been so essential to a character's development." -Jordan Hoffman, UGO

"The irony in this movie about vampires is that the only thing doing any sucking is the movie itself." Walter Chaw, Film Freak Channel

"The most surprising thing about New Moon, the second film in the Twilight series, is how much worse it is than the first." -Devin Faraci, CHUD

"Never have vampires and werewolves had so much estrogen." -Fiore Mastracci, Outtakes with Fiore

"I can't comment on the acting because I didn't catch Pattinson, Stewart and Lautner doing any. They basically primp and pose through the same humdrum motions they did before." -Peter Travers, Rolling Stone

The Holidays

When you get married, stuff starts to get expensive. You have increased grocery costs, housing costs, insurance costs, utilities costs, etc. For those of us who have been done with school for a while but our spouse isn't, we're now paying tuition again. And then when baby comes (sometime in the distant future), you have a whole new set of costs.

Then come the holidays - that wonderful time of year when it starts to get colder, the snow begins to fall, and we get to spend time with loved ones. But there must be opposition in all things - the holidays are expensive.

Now let me start off by saying that I am not a Scrooge. I love everything about Christmas, including giving and receiving gifts. But let's face it, Christmas is expensive. One of my favorite books is "Skipping Christmas" by John Grisham (I also like the movie adaptation, "Christmas With the Kranks"). The basic premise is that a husband and wife send their daughter off to work in the Peace Corps for a year, right after Thanksgiving, which means she'll miss Christmas at home. As the mother cries while going about her daily routine, the dad starts to crunch numbers. He then convinces his wife that if they were to skip all the Christmas stuff (the cards, the Christmas Eve party, the food, the tree, the decorations, the presents, etc.), they could go on a week-long cruise and actually SAVE money.

I mean, add up your own costs for the holidays. If you're traveling, you have the cost of air travel (or car/gas costs), as well as the opportunity cost of taking time off from work. You have to pay for decorations, food, Christmas cards, etc. And, of course, presents.

Although not required to be a good friend or relative, we generally expect at this time of year that we will show our love through the giving of gifts. It is a Christmas tradition. There's nothing inherently bad or wrong with it.

But...it's just so darn expensive! You can find good deals, but generally most people would say a nice gift costs around $15-20 (often more). Add that up for each member of your family, your spouse's family, close friends...it's pricey. So what do you do in this situation (especially in this economy)? Making gifts is very nice and can be a great alternative to a store-bought gift, but it takes up a lot of time. Most people hardly have enough time to even shop for gifts, let alone spend the time making something.

I have a couple ideas. The first is the idea of drawing names - many families do this. You can still show your love to your family in ways other than physical gifts, and this ensures that everyone still gets to participate in the Christmas gift-giving tradition. One side of my extended family regularly participates in a gift game. Everyone brings a wrapped gift, and everyone gets to open a present or steal an already unwrapped present, until all the presents are opened. In this case, the idea is not about giving/getting presents as much as having fun and spending time together as family. Or, as your family grows bigger, and you and your siblings begin having children of your own, you could do a "family gift" for each of the little families.

I think these are all good ideas to save money. I'm not going to try and say that I think we should do this because Christmas is too materialistic (although it is). I'll be honest - this is about saving money. :) However, I do think that gifts are far less important than spending time with family and experiencing joy in the Christmas season.

Let me tell you about the best idea of all, though. And this is something I am going to start as a tradition with my family. I had a professor in college share a story with us about a man who coached a hockey team. The hockey team wasn't very good - but to add to that, they didn't really look like a hockey team either - they didn't have uniforms or pads. That Christmastime, the coach went out and bought the team nice uniforms and all the gear they'd need. The team didn't get much better, but they felt better. :) What he then did was write down what he did, and put it in a white envelope and placed it on the tree, as a gift for his family. He said that it was a gift he gave in the name of his family.

My family has done similar things in the past - giving gifts anonymously to those in need, and I'm definitely going to make that a part of my family's Christmas traditions. And aside from whatever you decide to do within your own family, remember to save some money to give to those in need.

So despite the cost, I guess the reason for giving gifts truly does fit with the spirit of Christmas. It's about giving love and service, for that is what Christ did.

Being Single...?

I heard a really good talk about being single from John Bytheway a while back (when I was oh-so-single). He used an interesting analogy. He said it's like you're sitting down at a piano, and on the piano is sheet music for a song called "Marriage: A Duet." Periodically, people walk by while you're sitting at the piano.

Someone walks by and says, "Why don't you play that song?"

"I'd like to. But someone has to come and sit down here and play it with me."

"Well, you're just not trying hard enough." And she walks away.

Then someone else walks by and asks, "How come you don't you play that song?"

"I'd like to. I'd love to play this song - I'm sure the music's beautiful. But someone else by their own agency has to to be willing to sit here and play it with me."

"Well, you could play it if you had more faith." And he walks off.

Yet again, another person walks by and says, "Why don't you play that song?"

"I'd LIKE to. I love the music. I'm sure it's a beautiful song. But someone with their own agency that God will not violate has to choose to sit here next to me and play it with me."

"Oh, you're just being too picky." And he walks away. Anyway, his point was that marriage isn't something that can be forced. But I'd like to talk about what he said next.

He said not to get discouraged about these people who keep asking you about being single, because these individuals with an underdeveloped sense of appropriateness never go away. These are the same people who, once you get married, ask, "So when are you going to have kids?" And then once you have kids, ask, "So when are you going to have more?" And then, "So when are you going to go on a mission?" They NEVER go away. So keep smiling and don't get discouraged.

I am of the (rather strong) opinion that a couples' decision to have children, and when they decide to have them, is their own business. It is between them and the Lord, and no one else. Not their bishop, not their parents, not their friends, and certainly no one in their ward who barely knows them. I had a friend who, when pressured by her father to have children, would say, "We're trying all the time, Dad!" That would usually shut him up.

But I have other friends who really have tried and/or are trying to have kids, but just are unable. Friends going through fertility treatment, or who are looking at adoption as an option, even those who have had a miscarriage that few others know about. What do you think it does to those people when you say (even in jest), "Sheesh - so when are you gonna have kids already?"

But even for those people who, by choice, are not currently trying to have children, is that any of your business? Now, I'm not trying to say anything about me or my wife with this post. We've only been married 5 months, and haven't received a ton of comments about our childless state. And as a disclaimer, there are plenty of polite and tactful ways to ask about a couples' plans for having children, which leave the couple the option of not answering if they don't want to (i.e. "Have you guys thought about kids yet?"). But if you want to avoid any awkward moments, I'd recommend not even trying. They'll talk about it when they're good and ready.

And my favorite response to a single person asking about our plans for children? "When are you gonna get married?"

Let Me Live in Such a Way

I gave my wife a blessing tonight. She gets bad migraines from time to time. I tell her she's fragile, and I need to be careful with her sometimes. But she was sick tonight, so I made dinner, did the dishes, and watched a whole disc of Gilmore Girls by myself (I know, it's like an addiction now). And at the end of the last episode, from the bedroom I heard her say something. I paused the show and asked her what she said.

"Can you give me a blessing?"

"...Yeah"

I stopped everything and dropped to my knees, as the question crossed my mind, "Am I worthy?" Thoughts flooded my mind as I pleaded with my Heavenly Father to tell me what to say, to help me know His will, to be worthy to do this. And as I sit here, trying to remember what I said in that blessing, I think He answered my heartfelt prayer.

But as my wife lays in bed, I am left alone with my thoughts - am I living so that I can always be ready whenever He calls on me to serve His children? Please, let me live my life in such a way.

Twittering, er, Tweeting...whatever

I love to write - I really do. I love writing in my blog, but I have been horrible at it of late. I keep coming up with all these ideas of what I want to write about, but I don't write them when I'm thinking about them, so the ideas go away. Thus, I am going to post a jumble of little things I'm thinking about, each getting their own Twitter-length (or thereabouts) blog. Welp, here goes...

I have a friend or two who constantly engage in self-sabotage. They complain about the rough times they're going through, but continually go back and do the things that make them feel good at the time, but end up hurting them in the long run. They're unwilling or unable to stop the self-destructive behavior that causes their rough times. Even if they see the problems their behavior is causing, they can't seem to give it up.

I've recently developed a penchant for watching Gilmore Girls (go ahead and make fun of me - I deserve it - it's my wife's fault, though). For those of you who watch it, you know that it's a pretty dang funny show. But it's very angsty - lots of teen drama. Last night Kristen and I watched a particularly dramatic episode, and I am just so grateful that I am not involved in that anymore. I'm so happy I am married to my sweetheart, and that we don't have to deal with that highschool-ness anymore. My favorite quote from the show: "Oi with the poodles already."

Being a grownup is hard. Dealing with money, insurance, bills, thinking about buying a house, planning for the future, having to exercise if I want to keep my girlish figure, etc. I have been focused a lot lately on being self-reliant and about providing for my current and future family. We've had a lot of lessons in Church the last few weeks about food storage, fast offerings, being self sufficient, etc., and it's really brought those things to the forefront of my mind. Our last Family Home Evening was about goals we want to set in regard to that aspect, and we even made 72-hour kits. It's just weird, because I'm an adult now - a real live, married, working-out-in-the-world adult.

I want to go camping - I wish that I had more time off from work to do fun things. That's the difficulty of being salaried. You get a steady paycheck every month (twice a month, really), but then you have to work every day, and only get limited time off. More of that being an adult thing, I guess.

I was looking at past grades, for some reason (I mean, I've been out of school for more than a year and a half now). But that one grade still irks me. It was based off an evaluation by a fellow student in a student-run class. An evaluation that was based off of misinformation from someone who failed in their part of the job and blamed it on me. She gave me the second-lowest grade I received in any BYU course. Lower than the grades I received for Psych 111 , Econ 110, Media Management (a class with the worst professor I've ever had), Business Finance, Political Science 110 (with the other worst professor ever - they may be tied for last place), etc., etc. The one class with a worse grade was History of Jazz, first semester of freshman year (we all know how hard BYU music classes can be - especially when you're not ready for them). It upset me that she based her review off of someone else's lies about my performance, which were made to cover up that person's own deficiency. But as I learned in Sunday School this week, I need to forgive if I am to be forgiven, so I better repent and do that. Dang. I still wouldn't recommend either of those people for a job, though.

I've been going to a ton of weddings lately (or so it seems). My wife's best friend got married on the 18th, and one of my best friends (and until 3 months ago, my roommate) got married yesterday. It is so awesome to go sit in the sealing room and see your friends make sacred covenants. (I keep telling my wife that her contract is for eternity - there's no getting out of it.) I love being married - 3 months today. It's the best thing I've ever done.

Good friends can be hard to come by. Even in a ward where you have nice, friendly people, it can still be hard getting to know them. Not to mention that we tend to have few true friends - mostly just good acquaintances. But we had something fun happen this week. Our neighbors from two floors up came to visit. They were asking us about internet, and whether they could share our wireless connection. We said sure, talked with them for a bit, gave them the code, etc. Then they came down again the next day! Gave us the money for the first month of internet, chilled and talked some more. It was fun, because Whitney (she's about Kristen's age) mentioned that she was excited because she and Kristen were "going to be friends." That makes us both happy, that there's a nice, fun new couple in our ward that likes us and wants to be friends with us. We need to have them over for dinner soon.

Well, that's it for my ramblings for now. Tune in next time for more of the same...or something different. I don't know yet.

Planned Parenthood

*DISCLAIMER: This entry may contain content not suitable for unmarried people...hehe :) But seriously, as alluded to in the title, sex and birth control are discussed, so if you're more comfortable not reading this, I understand.

I recently read two different, but related articles, and they got me thinking. One was an article from MSNBC titled "Happily ever after? Not really, many wives say." The other was a blurb about the Duggar family (a couple who subscribe to the Evangelical Christian Quiverfull Movement and who have a reality show on TLC called "18 Kids and Counting").

Let me first address the Duggar family and the Quiverfull Movement. I didn't know anything about the movement, so I looked it up on Wikipedia (which, as we all know, is the ultimate source of knowledge on the web). Adherants to this movement believe in abstaining from all forms of birth control, including natural family planning (only having sex during times of lowest fertility: i.e. during breastfeeding, after menopause, and during periods of the menstruation cycle) and sterilization. They believe all children are a gift from God, and only God has the right to decide when and to whom a baby should come. They do not believe in child spacing. As a result, the Duggars have had 18 children over the course of 20 years, and (as the show's title suggests) will likely have more.

Now, I believe that birth control is a very private matter. And as long as this family is happy and are able to support themselves and their children financially, I say right on to them. But I disagree with the tenants of their faith. Mary Pride (who some say started the Quiverfull Movement) argued, "God commanded that sex be at least potentially fruitful (that is, not deliberately unfruitful).... All forms of sex that shy away from maritial fruitfulness are perverted."

Seriously?? What if a couple wants to have sex after menopause? Is that shying away from marital fruitfulness? What if a couple is sterile and can't have children? Should they cease to have sex once they know they can't have children? After all, their sexual relations are not potentially fruitful anymore.

There are all kinds of problems with this line of thinking. Yes, children are blessings from God, and should be received with gratitude. But sex is a wonderful part of marriage that was not created just to "make babies." Sex is an expression of love between husband and wife - it unites husband and wife and makes them one. And someone should not feel worried that they can't express their love to their spouse until they are financially able to support a child.

Baptist preacher John Piper said it well:
"Just because something is a gift from the Lord does not mean that it is wrong to be a steward of when or whether you will come into possession of it. It is wrong to reason that since A is good and a gift from the Lord, then we must pursue as much of A as possible. God has made this a world in which tradeoffs have to be made and we cannot do everything to the fullest extent... As Wayne Grudem has said, 'it is okay to place less emphasis on some good activities in order to focus on other good activities.'"

Now on to the other article. Women's Day and AOL Living did a poll of 35,000 women to find out how they feel about their marriages. The result? Many women aren't that happy. It seems that once they got married, their relationships went downhill. In fact, 72% of the women polled said they have considered leaving their husband at some point, and 57% sometimes regret marrying him!

I bet I can give a guess as to why - more than 60% said they rarely or never have a date night with their husband, and more than half replied that their sex life is "dull," or that they can't remember the last time they were intimate with their husband. A whopping 79% of the women polled say they want to have sex more often.

And would you have guessed it? The number one most important thing women wish their husband would do? Spend time with them. Close behind was "do housework."

I took a class in college about marriage and family relationships, and our professor said something that I have remembered well: intimacy is directly related to the rest of your relationship. You don't have sex to build a good relationship. You have sex because you already have a good relationship. Do you think your wife is going to want to be intimate with you when ignore her? When you don't take her out on dates and spend time together, just the two of you? When you don't help out around the house and expect her to do everything? On a related note, do you also expect your wife to look good for you when you've let yourself go? 12% of women said the most important thing they want their husband to do is hit the gym.

For those of you who don't see the connection between these two articles (which may be most of you), I want to reiterate the purpose of sexual intimacy. Is it to help create children who will come into and bless our lives? Yes. But it is also to strengthen the bonds of love within marriage. It is to express what cannot be expressed any other way. People sometimes ask why in the LDS church we teach our members to wait until marriage to be intimate. Why? Because sex is bad? No! It's not that it's bad, but because it is so good that we need to wait to experience it with our spouse. It's only within marriage that we can share absolutely everything with someone, and only there is it proper to show that highest expression of love.

So in other words, I think the Quiverfull Movement is definitely missing something.